Living the Half Full Life

This post was written in honor of suicide prevention awareness month.

There is something about being in nature that reminds me of the beauty of being alive.

I recently went on a hike to Stewart Falls in Provo, Utah. I got to enjoy  Provo Canyon’s fresh mountain air, the warm sun on my skin, my heart pumping and my blood flowing. 

When I got to the waterfall, I decided to listen to the intrusive thoughts and run through the freezing cold water. 

I felt so grounded to the earth at that moment. To go from feeling the warm sun to the cold water and smelling fresh mountain air.  

I felt gratitude for my body to allow me to have a little adventure. I felt grateful for my life and what I have had the privilege to experience so far. It made me fall in love with life again. 

What growth that was. 

Growth from a time where I was deeply dissatisfied with life. A time where I thought life had nothing more to offer me. 

A time where I wanted to end my life. 

A time in summer of 2020 when the pandemic was new and I felt so alone. I was isolating while dealing with a breakup and felt I had no one to turn to. No one who cared or would notice if I was there or not.  

My heart was hurting and my brain was in a constant negative spiral of self doubt and hopelessness.

The intense darkness of depression had set in and I was unconvinced that it would pass. 

Waking up each day became more and more difficult. I would go to work, come home, eat, watch some TV, and go to bed. Going out felt weird and taboo in a pandemic and I didn’t want to go out on the town by myself. 

I began to question why I kept waking up. Why should I keep going if life had so little to offer? 

I started with just wanting to be out of the situation. Then I wanted to stop existing. Then suicidal ideaition. Then I began to think more about how I would die.   

One day I decided how I was going to end my life. 

How terrifying that was.

If you have never experienced this, it can be hard to imagine. Our body and mind have functions to protect us from danger, such as our nervous system’s fight or flight response that is triggered when we see a wild animal charging towards us.

But what is going on when the very thing that is wired to keep you alive is allowing you to make plans to kill yourself?

It is an incredibly frustrating fight. A fight where part of you wants to live and part of you wants to die and it is consuming and scary and you have no idea on how to get out of it because the darkness is heavy and painful but ending it all means it’s over. And that can be both good and bad. 

But I fought. Every day I fought against the darkness to find reasons to keep going.

I thought of my family.

I thought of friends.

I thought of the little things that had brought me happiness, like the places I have been, foods I have tasted, things I have experienced.

I thought about what I could do if I got through that exhausting, dark time. 

 So I took things one day at a time. 

That day would become days, and I would try and fill those days with things that gave me pieces of hope. Things like kind acts people would do for me, skills I tried to learn, shows I loved to watch.

And one day after weeks and months of work, I wanted to keep living. I found more meaning to my life. 

I write this with two intentions. The first is to remind people that you never really know what others are going through and how your actions can influence them. Both good and bad influences.

There are some people that don’t know the magnitude of a little kindness they showed me. 

How one invite or conversation helped me keep going.

People who noticed I was alone and invited me to hang out with them, or spent a little extra time talking to me so I wouldn’t be by myself. 

If you think someone is struggling, then do as the live action remake of Cinderella tells us: “Have courage and be kind.” Text then, invite them, love themーremind them why you want them to stay.

And most importantly never give up on them. 

Because you don’t know if they have given up on themselves. 

The second reason I am writing is to beg anyone who is going through something similar to keep going. Foster that part of you that hopes for better times, that knows you are worth saving. 

You have so much to live for.

So many people who love you. 

So many people who will love you. 

So many people who need you. 

So please stay. Stay to run through waterfalls. 

Stay to be up until ridiculous hours of the morning giggling with your friends.

Stay to watch more sunrises and sunsets. 

Stay to watch your siblings grow up, and your parents grow old.

Stay. Because there is so much ahead of you. 

The German poet Rilke once said: “Let everything happen to you; beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”

What you are feeling will not be forever. But the impact you make on the world will last for generations. We need you.