Living the Half Full Life

Shakespeare said in the famous Hamlet, “To thine own self be true.” The end credits song of Mulan tells us we must be “True to your heart.” We hear all the time to just “bee yourself” (that was Aladdin), and I feel like we all want to be. It can be suffocating to not be true to who you are.  

In fact, looking back at times when I felt incredibly anxious or depressed and sometimes it was due to feeling like a part of who I am was compromised. Like when I  tried to make friends, but didn’t feel like I was 100% myself around them—it would freak me out and I would get all sad and have a little identity crisis. At the time, I thought it was due to the people I would hang around. Now I understand it was due to my own insecurities, and not quite getting to know who I really am. 

I talked about this uncomfy feeling with my therapist once. I didn’t quite describe it in the same way—what I was describing was my uncomfiness about how I was handling the anxiety, and frequent recurring panic attacks. We of course talked about the triggers and what I could do to not get into the panic attack mode, but we also discussed what I could do while in them to get myself out. The only thing I thought was a good idea at that point was to call someone I knew to help talk me out of it, or cry on the floor fighting to breathe until it was over. I know what you are thinking: what great coping strategies you have Maddie. Haha or not. 

My dear therapist decided to take a step back and help me understand something that ended up changing me in the long run. He had me make a list of the person I wanted to become, the traits I would have, and how I would react to situations. He also had me make a list of the things I could do that would go against those desires. For example, I want to be a resilient person. Someone who can get back up when they fall down. I knew help from others is always welcome, but I wanted to be able to take care of myself as well, and that is important to me. Especially since it is not other people’s responsibility to help keep me feeling ok.

I loved talking about this in my sessions, but the actual practice of it didn’t happen until I was alone during COVID, and really felt like no one could help. And boy, oh boy was that frustrating. Here I was, wanting to be a strong, independent woman who could handle the problems 2020 was throwing at her. But I felt so desperate for help from someone else. And there was only the anxious, depressed me. How was I supposed to get through that? 

But I did get through it. Every time I was going through a panic attack or a scary episode where I did not want to exist anymore, I calmed down enough to pick myself off the floor, and get into bed. I have a very vivid moment of one moment on my bathroom floor, very much never wanting to get up. But a thought popped into my head telling me to remember this moment. And remember that I got myself up. No one else would do it but me. So I did it. And I would do it a lot over the following months. And I began to be what I wanted. 

Resilient. Strong. 

I started to gain more self-respect. And also began realizing that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I looked back at all the times in my life that I had fallen down and felt like a failure. But I always got back up. 

I knew that if I wanted to take care of my mental problems, I had to find better ways to take care of myself. I used to think the principle of “self-care” was cheesy and quitters talk. But I had to try something new or I was never going to get better. 

But what did self care consist of for me? What were things I even liked doing? I spent my whole life being a people pleaser and would always try and base my self care routines around what friends liked to do. But now I was alone and needed to figure out what I liked to do. 

All I knew was that I really liked watching Netflix. But that didn’t always work, and I felt like my life was boring. So I would go out by myself (that was scary) to explore the town I live in. I am about a 5 minute drive from the downtown part of Provo, Utah and it is ADORABLE. Going on walks through downtown just made me so happy, and I realized how much I enjoy living here. 

I also thought about how much I used to love reading before I graduated high school. I was the kid who would stay up until wee hours of the morning not being able to put my book down. So I started reading a novel one of my good friends recommended to me. And I felt that enjoyment coming back into my life, and felt re-connected with a part of me that was always there. I tried reading a bunch of different books and learned that a good stress-reliever for me is a nice piece of fiction that can take me out of my own world for a second.  

I went back over my Spotify playlists and figured out what songs I really liked. Some songs I had on there, I would listen to solely because someone recommended it to me. But I never connected with those as much. But the music I really liked, sometimes I was a little ashamed of it because I didn’t think other people would enjoy it, or would judge me from my music choice. But there was no one around but me, so I listened to Taylor Swift’s folklore album on repeat for an entire month after it first came out because I loved it. I found some of my favorite jams are the weird songs from the 90’s that I feel like everyone jams to but never admits wanting to listen to. Such as “Low Rider” by War, “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies (which I memorized by the way), “Hey Ya!” by OutKast, and my new favorite “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba. Music makes me SO happy. 

I was finding the little quirks that make up who I am. I fully embraced my cactus obsession, and I now own so many things with succulents or cactus on them.  (I also own a few cactus and succulent plants.) Spaghetti and meatballs is a comfort food of mine. Soda isn’t my fav (except ginger ale, I love that stuff), and I could eat a lot of ice cream when I am sad. I love being on the water, whether that is boating, sailing, or just swimming. It relaxes me. I avoid wearing jeans unless I can’t figure out anything else to wear. I need a lot of sleep or I don’t function. Good food can motivate me to get through a day. I have an obsession with clothes and shoes that are unique.  

And those are all a part of me. 

I thought about all this as I closed my last session of therapy. I have finally accepted and love who I am, and the things that make me me. It reminded me of a scene from a show I would watch as a kid, Nickelodeon’s Victorious. One of the first episodes is about “The Bird Scene.” The main character, Tori, just got into this performing arts school, and in order for her to try out for any of the school’s productions, she had to perform “The Bird Scene.” So she practiced and performed it for her class. When she asked her teacher if she did it right, he told her no and didn’t offer any guidance as to what she did wrong. So she came back and did it again, except this next time with props and a backdrop. Still, after she asked if she did it right, her teacher told her no. Incredibly frustrated, she comes back and does it a third time, now with an entire set, full costume, and a real trained bird. Again, she asked if she did it right and her teacher still said no. She is outraged and yells in front of the class saying she knows what she did was good, and was proud of her work. Then the teacher and class clap, and while Tori is confused her teacher explained that the whole purpose of The Bird Scene was for students to take pride in their decisions as actors, and not care what anyone else thought of their work as long as the student themself thought what they did was good. 

As a kid, I thought I would never pass the bird scene. I never thought I could stand up for myself like that and take pride in who I am and what I do. 

Now I can tell that kid that one day she will be able to. She will stand up for herself when people hurt her. She will be able to be happy with who she is and what she does. And it will feel so freeing. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying depression and anxiety goes away with some self-love. It certainly would not have gotten me out of my own dark hole, but it definitely helped. And the more I took care of myself and learned to love myself, I found I was a person I actually wanted to take care of and I was (and am) worth the fight to get better. 

If you are feeling lost and alone, maybe you can find comfort in the amazing person you are. Find something new you like to do. Start a list of qualities you like about yourself, and keep adding to it as time goes on. Write out who you want to become, or what your core values are to be an anchor in hard times. 

One of my current favorite quotes is by Brene Brown: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

(One of my good friends even made this picture of me to put with the quote.) 

As soon as I let go of what I thought I was supposed to be, or what I thought people expected me to be, I felt a confidence that has gotten me through some of my darkest moments. People have told me I am a different person to be around. I feel I am a more enjoyable person to be around. 

And I find life to be so much more fulfilling.