Living the Half Full Life

“We are all a little broken, that’s how the light gets in”

I love this quote. But you know what is sad? It is not even a real quote. Apparently it is a mixture of a quote by the poet Ernest Hemmingway and lyrics from the musician Leonard Cohen. Ha, a broken quote that talks about being broken. How ironic, yet a bit poetic. 

Regardless of who originally stringed those words together to come up with something motivational, the idea of being “broken” hit pretty hard. Especially for one who has felt that their mind is broken. 

Ever heard of the Japanese art style of Kintsugi? Basically ancient Japanese artisans would take broken pieces of pottery, and to repair it, they would fill the cracks with gold. (https://itsyonobi.com/blogs/magazine/kintsugi-the-beauty-of-imperfections)

It would not only increase the pieces value, but it soon became a trend to smash their pottery purely for the aesthetics (the origins of Facebook’s 5 minute craft videos).

With that, I think of the moments laying on my bathroom floor crying. Being so incredibly frustrated with where I was, where my mind was. Struggling to find any hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Times where I felt…well, broken. 

And then I get up anyway. And I keep going, no matter how dark it feels.

I hit one of those points this summer.

‘Hard’ feels like a soft word to describe the effects of the pandemic. I feel like not one person hasn’t had some form of heartbreak or disappointment because of it. And I think mental health has hit a new low. Suicide rates have gone up A LOT.

I was almost one of them.

As I have said before, I am a student, and I live in Utah. When COVID hit and the nation shut down I was asked to go home (to Arizona) for a bit. My ex and I broke up the same week I got the news, so I went home and enjoyed the company of my family, also hoping to get some space and healing. I come from a fairly big family, so there wasn’t much “alone time” and it wasn’t my favorite as I was taking finals, and I shared a room with two of my sisters. I wish I realized how much of a blessing it was to be constantly surrounded by people who loved me and would be there for me no matter what. Even if we got into screaming arguments, I knew we would get through it.  

However, like most people, finding work was a struggle. I didn’t think anyone would hire me for a short period of time, considering I was planning on going back to school in the fall (also wishful thinking that they wouldn’t make everything online the next semester). So I applied to jobs in Utah, and moved back up three months before the start of the semester.

One thing I didn’t realize I desperately needed: human connection. I came back to new roommates, who are absolutely amazing, don’t get me wrong. But we were all at work all the time, and I can have a hard time connecting with new people. My friends were either scattered all over the country, busy with their own families, or didn’t want to hang out because of the virus. I felt very much alone. 

I hadn’t been that alone before. When I was not surrounded by family, I would find ways to be around friends. In those hours sitting in my small apartment by alone, I started to learn some things about myself. 

One good thing I learned: I find purpose and meaning to my life through people and relationships. A life of all work and no human connection does not sound like a life to me. What I didn’t quite get yet was how to deal with it when others are not around.

So needless to say, the depression hit like a ton of bricks. I would come home from work and watch Netflix by myself. My appetite was not really there. I felt slower. I felt empty. And with the pandemic (still) having no end in sight, I didn’t know how to deal with it. 

I would like to say before I go on, that I am significantly better now, but I share these things in hope that someone who reads this will feel a little less alone. Because if someone was telling me that they got through the same stuff that I did, it would have made it all a little more bearable.

I started making plans to kill myself. I thought about it frequently. But as soon as I figured out the perfect weekend when my roommates would be out of town, I remembered something. My sister had bought a contract to room with me in the fall. I could not let her deal with the fact that her older sister would not be there after everything she too had gone through with COVID. I could not do that to her. 

So I got help. I told my therapist. He talked me through some stuff, and helped me realize the small things in life that make me happy.

I looked for more things to make me happy. I started spending time with family I didn’t even realize lived around me. I have a cousin who invited me over for a family dinner which meant so much. I connected with old friends and started developing those relationships. I downloaded a dating app just to be able to talk to people. And slowly, I re-made myself from the broken pieces. 

There are so many things I have learned about myself and about life from that dark place I was in. I learned that while I need connection, I can connect with myself. I learned what it really meant to be Maddie Critchfield. I learned to love the things that made me who I am. I learned I really LOVE peanut butter banana smoothies, and I made a lot of them.

Delicious. And not the most unhealthy coping mechanism. 

I found what amazing people I chose to keep in my life. I don’t think those people will ever realize how much they did to help, simply by texting or inviting me to do something with them. 

I had two different friends that invited me to go boating with their families. That was SO much fun (and I had never been boating before so #adventure). I had an old mission friend I had not seen since our missions that I reached out to, and had been able to connect with her after a long time. Married friends who invited me over to dinner. A friend introduced me to a TV series and we binge-watched it together. Some girls from my mission invited me to go camping in Moab with them. Even some people who I never really talked to from church had me come and make dumplings with them. 

I never want to lose those people. Even years down the road when we are on different walks of life, I want to be able to call them up and have lunch and we can just continue where we left off.

I came out of that experience feeling like those broken off pieces were replaced with gold.

So again, I don’t share these experiences to get a pity effect of how hard my life was, because I have become so much more because of it. I share my experiences because life is hard. For all of us. 

Mental health is and has always been a difficult topic. I wanted to start this blog to open up more discussion on the topic. Because if someone is feeling like they are broken, that is a serious thing. It is an illness just as much as the coronavirus is. 

If you are hurting, please reach out. Your quality of life really can change. I know it is scary. The first time I ever reached out, I wanted so desperately to deny it. To feel like I was in control. You can be in control. Sometimes you just need the right tools. So talk to someone you trust. It can be awkward, but in my experience, I have only been enveloped in love and support. It is so worth it.

For those who are the ones getting reached out to, your love and support means everything. If someone reaches out to you about suicidal thoughts, there are things you can do to help. 

I recently went through QPR training, which is like CPR, but when you approach a situation where someone is contemplating suicide. It stands for Question, Persuade, Refer. If they don’t tell you right out, but you think they are considering it, just ask if they have thought about suicide, ending their life, or hurting themselves. There is a myth that you can put the idea of suicide in someone’s head, but you can’t. They will have already considered it before you ask, or not want to do it.

Then just listen. I would not recommend giving advice, just let them talk. Or ask questions to possibly get them to open up more. My guess is though, if they are willing to answer the “S” question, they will open up more. 

Then try and persuade them to get help. Ask them if they will go see a therapist, counselor, leader, doctor, someone. And try to persuade them to live. Tell them YOU want them to live. Also ask them if they will tell someone else about this because this SHOULD NOT be something you do alone. You can love someone and want to help them as much as possible, but there needs to be more people helping them. For one you will feel a bit more at ease, and that is another person who they know wants them to live. If they say no to telling more people themselves, you may need to tell them that you have to tell another person that cares about them anyways because you do not want to see them go. 

And then refer. Make sure they get the help they need. Know where to send them, be it a therapist, or some sort of mental health clinic in the area. If you have no idea, the suicide hotline will help. It is 800-273-8255. Save it in your phone, you don’t know when you will need it. 

And then FOLLOW UP. I don’t know how everyone feels, but when I am depressed or anxious, if people know I am in crisis mode and I personally talk to them about it, and then they just let it be and don’t check up, I feel they are only trying to help out of panic or guilt, not love. Those people can have the best of intentions, but I am not in a mental place to understand their feelings if I hit that low. 

Those are just the bullet point versions, but I recommend everyone get QPR certified just like how we encourage everyone to be CPR certified. 

You can help. You can get help. And life can be light again. 

Just to prove it, I took pictures of little things that made me happy this summer.

These ducks that approached me on my break at work

I got a car (honestly made my life so much easier)

I actually live here, it is gorgeous. 

I tried sailing, and loved it. Also I jumped in Provo Lake which is actually nasty, but I needed to do more crazy stuff with my life.

I got CPR certified 

And, because I think music can be a therapy of its own (and it is) a song recommendation. Secret For the Mad by Dodie. Here are the lyrics:

I’ve got a secret for the mad

In a little bit of time it won’t hurt so bad

And I get that I don’t get it

But you will burn right now but then you won’t regret it

You’re not gonna believe a word I say

What’s the point in just drowning another day

And I get that I don’t get it

But the world will show you that you won’t regret it

Little things, all the stereotypes

They’re gonna help you get through this one night

And there will be a day

When you can say you’re okay and mean it

I promise you it’ll all make sense again

I promise you it’ll all make sense again

There’s nothing to do right now but try

There are a hundred people who will listen to you cry

And I get that they don’t get it

But they love you so much that you won’t regret it

You’re at the bottom, this is it

Just get through, you will be fixed

And you think, that I don’t get it

But I burned my way through and I don’t regret it

Little things, all the stereotypes

They’re gonna help you get through this one night

And there will be a day

When you can say you’re okay and mean it

I promise you it’ll all make sense again

I promise you it’ll all make sense again

I promise you it’ll all make sense again

I promise you it’ll all make sense again