Living the Half Full Life

The first step in healing from a depressive episode is recognizing you are depressed. 

For example, a couple weeks ago: I had a panic attack so bad in the car on the way back from a party that I was literally gasping for air. Then I came inside to have my roommates automatically see something was wrong and I just bursted out crying. They lovingly asked what was going on, and in that moment I realized I was deeply depressed. 

For one, I have felt like I needed to cry at least once a day (usually more). I don’t feel much of anything except sadness. And the worst of all, I started having suicidal thoughts again. 

If step one of recovery is recognition, step to is to find people you trust. Depression is so incredibly lonely and one of the best ways to fight it is by finding ways to not be alone. I am lucky enough to have an amazing support system to be there without me really needing to say anything. 

While keeping my emotions bottled up for so long wasn’t the best, bursting out crying to my roommates did help me come to understand what was going on. They listened and asked questions to understand and showed me all their love. They gave me time to think and cry in between answers and didn’t feel the need to fill the silence while I tried to collect my thoughts. They wrapped a blanket around me, made me some tea, and even used a little back massager on me to help with the tension headaches I’d been experiencing with the onset of this episode. 

I learned so much from my roommates in what to do when someone is having an episode of a mental illness. If you ever find yourself in the company of someone who is going through an episode, I also recommend following the example of my friends. Give a hug. Sit them down. Let them cry. Let them explain how they are feeling and validate them一acknowledge how hard that must be. Tell them how strong they are for fighting those feelings. Ask questions about their feelings as well as asking about suicidal thoughts. 

I went through a QPR (Question, Persuade, and Refer) class which is like suicide prevention CPR where we were told to always ask if they are having suicidal thoughts. You won’t be putting the idea in their head. Suicide is terrifying and if someone is coming to you, they probably need you to ask them. My roommate asked me where on the suicidal spectrum I was, and I told her I was wanting to die but hadn’t formulated a plan yet. If you feel they are in immediate danger call 911. If they are anywhere on that spectrum, recommend therapy or the suicide hotline (988). But please just ask. You could save a life. 

After the night of the breakdown, I called off of work. I was sick. Some days it’s better to call off work or stay home from school. I had just admitted I was wanting to kill myself so I considered that to be a pretty good reason to call a sick day. 

And I treated it like a sick day. I rested most of the day and tried to drink lots of fluids. I wanted to watch movies and shows that made me laugh or uplifted me. My sister who lives close by found out I was not doing well and came over and made me lunch and checked in on me a lot throughout the day (again find people who will be there for you). I tried going on a walk but almost passed out because depression also makes you physically exhausted and unwell. 

I went to work the next day because completely checking out of life for a long period of time is not good for me. I have found after I have taken a break one of the best things for me to do is still take it easy but go back to my responsibilities. It helps me gain more respect for myself when I can get back up after I fall. 

But I did focus on giving myself mercy. Not as productive in my free time? That’s ok, I still went to work. Not as outgoing as I would like to be? That is ok, I am taking some time to take care of myself. I explained to my friends that I needed some time to take care of myself and they understood. 

I tried to limit my social media usage while I focused on healing. I do use Pinterest though, because it inspires me to try new hobbies instead of spending all my free time scrolling through Instagram. I have gotten back into reading, I have tried baking, I have taught myself ukulele, and I have tried learning how to do my hair in different ways. It has helped me realize how enjoyable life can be.  

I started to realize I was actually healing when I went to a bookstore with my sister and for some reason I fell in love with life again. I felt there were more good things that the world had to offer me and that I could offer the world. I felt peace and happiness that I hadn’t felt in a long time. 

That’s not saying I am completely healed from this episode, but I am finding myself again. I can function much better. 

These are some of the steps I took to get out of a depressive episode. I recognized what I was feeling. I opened up to people I trusted. I took time to take a break and take care of myself. I was more gentle to myself and was okay with not being as productive. And I tried to reconnect with things I enjoyed about life. 

This process will look a bit different for everyone. A couple things I wish I did sooner was schedule a therapy session or try meditating more. There are a lot of strategies we can use to help us rediscover joy in our lives.

 It doesn’t mean we won’t ever feel sad again, but maybe, like I did at that bookstore, you might start to realize how much good life can bring. And maybe you too will start to fall in love with life again.