Living the Half Full Life

September is suicide prevention month, and it has taken me about all of September to get the words right for this post. Suicide is a heavy topic, and I hope you don’t finish reading feeling sad and depressed, but feeling hopeful that you or someone you love can make it through the hopelessness one feels when contemplating suicide. 

Now, I don’t claim to be a professional by any means, but I have done my research. I became QPR certified (like CPR but for suicide prevention), and have had the ultimate teacher: experience. 

While thinking about how I wanted to write this, I was thrown back to summer of 2020. The pandemic had absorbed all of our lives, and we were encouraged to stay away from other people. I was living at my college apartment, going through a breakup, dealing with my mental illness, and feeling incredibly alone. I had come to a point where I saw no light at the end of the tunnel, and everything felt dark. 

So I started making plans to end it all. Thoughts of suicide were consuming my life, and it only made my problems even worse. 

After a couple weeks of these all encompassing thoughts, I eventually told my therapist what was going on. He helped me realize that I did not actually want to die, I wanted a way for the pain to end. He asked me if I needed to be hospitalized, and I thought about it for a second. But I knew he was right. I didn’t want to die. And I was going to push through. 

One of my first steps to healing was to not discredit my pain. I would tend to gaslight myself, saying my hurt wasn’t that bad, others had it much worse than me. It wasn’t until I acknowledged that I was in a lot of psychological pain that I could actually heal. 

I also got help. I talked to my therapist, I started telling a few close friends, and one helped me keep an online journal that we shared so she could check in on me daily, even though we couldn’t talk every day. 

I found things to look forward to. My sister moving in with me, and school starting again to keep me busy. I even listened to Christmas music to remind myself that Christmas exists and makes me happy. 

One of the most important things was that I woke up every day telling myself I was going to fight the intrusive thoughts. I was going to power through this. And I told myself that my life is worth living.

This was my process getting out of my own dark, hopeless hole. Everyone’s journey will be different. Whether the person struggling is a loved one or yourself, have patience with your struggle. There is no standard amount of time to heal. It’s been over a year later, and seeing the movie Dear Evan Hansen got me into a panic attack, reminding me of my own suicidal period. 

There is a song in that movie from where I pull the title of this post. You Will Be Found. I listened to this song on repeat when I was on my way to healing. Because I needed a reminder that even if I couldn’t see it then, there were people that loved me and needed me. There are people that are going to love me and need me. And I couldn’t let myself give in. 

Here is the lyric video from the movie:

Please remember these lyrics: 

Well, let that lonely feeling wash away

Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay

‘Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand

You can reach, reach out your hand

And oh, someone will coming running

And I know, they’ll take you home

Even when the dark comes crashing through

When you need a friend to carry you

And when you’re broken on the ground

You will be found

So let the sun come streaming in

‘Cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again

Lift your head and look around

You will be found

My friends, I have been there, and I can tell you there is hope. I can say today that I enjoy life. I have found so much light and hope. And I am not alone. 

Neither are you. 

Don’t forget it. 

Please keep this number in your phone, just in case

1-800-273-TALK (National Suicide Prevention Hotline)

If you want to become QPR certified here is the website:

https://qprinstitute.com
If you know someone is going to commit suicide, call 911. They may be upset with you at the time, but they will thank you later.