Living the Half Full Life

My anxiety has been getting worse the last couple weeks.

Not going to lie, that has been a bit defeating. 

But mental health is not just a one time fix. And life never really gets easier. 

When I find myself in these times it is hard to find a reason to keep going. Not necessarily because I want to end things, I am just tired of life being the way it is. 

I am tired of feeling exhausted. Tired of doubting people when they say they enjoy being around me. Tired of feeling hopeless. Tired of being mentally ill. 

One night this last week I was laying on the floor, curled up in a ball, crying. I was having thoughts I had not had in a while. I was telling myself people were sick of listening to me, convinced I was alone and had to conquer this on my own. 

But I know better. 

I know my anxiety. I know the lies it feeds me. I know people care about me. I know I have so many people that would listen to my struggles. People who would sit there and cry with me. 

I called my mom as I was sitting there, on the floor feeling alone. She cried with me. She told me she loved me. And talking to her for a moment helped me calm down enough to go to bed, re-charge, and face the problems in the morning. 

Because the problems won’t disappear. Neither will the anxiety. So we can’t disappear either. We need to live despite the anxiety. We need to live TO SPITE the anxiety. 

Because anxiety is mean, and I like to throw a little middle finger in its face. All it ever does for me is make me sad and stressed. I like to prove I am stronger than it. That I can enjoy life even though it is hard. 

Like the mean kids from high school, what better victory than to show up to a reunion absolutely thriving in life. To show them that while they made your life hard, you are happy anyways. No matter what they did or said to you, you are still going to live.

So what are you going to do to live to spite the anxiety?

I am going to build friendships even if it is scary to be vulnerable and my anxiety is telling me they think I am annoying. 

I am going to apply for that cool new job even though my anxiety is telling me no job would want me and I am a failure. 

I am going to go on that date, even if my anxiety is telling me they are not attracted to me, think I am dull, and all the other anxieties you can get from dating. 

I am going to do all of these things because I want a life full of meaningful relationships, fulfilling accomplishments, and overcoming my fears. 

No, it is not easy to do this when the voice in your head is so convincing. But it is easier if you make a choice now: what type of life you want to live and what you are not going to sacrifice because you have anxiety. Make the choice now to live your life to spite your anxiety. 

Because we can either focus on the half empty part in the proverbial glass of life… 

…or we can choose to find the half full blessings life has to offer.